went on a long ride with yuki today.  7 hours to be exact.  I think it was something we both really needed. 

I just couldn't get awa from thinkng about j.  Not that I eally want to not think about her. 
I went to cooks corner and thought about the night she ask me to be her bf and when m seemed completly ok and was encouraging it.  I can't help but wonder exactly what he thought he was going to achieve.  What alterior motives he had that seemed to have really backfired on him in the end.
We were so excited...I was in love again for the first time... :)
To feel her hands in mine. To feel her lips pressed against my lips.  To feel our bodies shaking in excitment again...what wouldn't i give to be there in that moment again.

Then I went to haven for dinner.  I had the mac and cheeses we had on one of our dates there.  I eve took a picture and posted it on fb...with a comment tha somthing was missing...I hope I didn't make a mistake.  I just really wanted her to know I was thinking about her.  Maybe I shouldn't have made it a public post....
I hope it's ok

today we went to the bank and took her off of the account and opened her own account and transferred 1/2 of all the money over to it.

I was doing ok for most of the day.  but J was always on my mind...
I really want to contact her some how... I might put another message on fb soon....something just for her.  I did post a picture of my fixed saddle bags with a button j had given me recently.  It says "I can only please one person per day, today I choose me".  I wonder if she will see it.

R and I had dinner tonight...I cooked the tritip and she made rice and salad... It was like it used to be...almost...
After dinner as the night wore on I started feeling more and more depressed...not because I wanted to try to make things work, but just because of the change that was inevitable.
I took a slow walk to the store and picked up some beer...came back and sat outside, thinking...I called my mom and started to cry...
I don't know what I am doing....I don't know if I've made the right decisions...I feel so lost...

I find myself almost crying now...  I feel down on myself, but I know that I shouldn't be.  I feel like a failure.. but i'm not... I just don't know what the fuck i am doing.

I am going riding with Yuki on a really long ride tomorrow...I hope it helps us both clear our heads a bit.

I'm feeling a bit better at the moment.  I saw that j saw my secrect message on fb reminding her to breathe and that she was using the quartz.  That was very encouraging.

I went to see my therapist yesterday.  It was an extremly good session. He helped to provide me with good insight and information.

I want to put together a little informational description of the values of rose quartz and maybe even send her a nice drawstring bag to keep it in. 
However I'm conflicted because I am supposed to be maintaining my distance and even that little contact might be enough to throw things off for them.  I think I wll haveto wait a little while and just send it as a reminder that I still care.

R and I are doing ok I guess.  At least we aren't fighting.  I can't wait until she moves out though.  The waiting is drving me crazy.

tonight i went and got drunk with friends...  decided i shouldn.t drive home and instead am staying at b and d's.  can you guess what was mostly discussed?  i'm tryinr to drine my sorrow away i guess...not hethy.

i woke up feeling a little better today... Day 3...only a shitload more to go.

it seems like an eternity.  And I find myself wondering what will happen in 6 months... I fear the worst.  Never being able to be in her life again.  I do hope at the very least we will still be able to be friends.  That's all I hoped for last time and it took us so much farther.  M will be wary...he should be.  1 last chance to get it right.

I left a secret message for her on facebook a couple of days ago reminding her to breathe.  I don't know if she will ever see it.  I doubt I will know for 6 months.

as always j is on my mind.

I did have some other things to kind of distract my mind for a little while.  My soon to be ex wife and I sat down and talked more about the financial situation and how we were going to split the debt. We took the inventory of our possessions that we took the week before and worked on assigning values to each item.  We made sure we agreed on each one.  It looks like I will be taking on a little more of the debt since she will be leaving so much behind.
she also started looking for a place to move to after I pushed her a little more.  We need to physically be away from each other to help us move on and focus on our lives...  She already found a promising place and will most likely be moving out at the end of the month.  This is great news.

so today I woke up feeling very depressed and devastated.  I have no idea how I am actually going to deal with this.  Well, I'm going to...I have no choice, but it's going to be so hard.

I went on a really long ride on the hike today to try to get away from all of my issues, it worked for a very short amount of time until I drove past a familiar place where I had been with j before.  The place where she had asked me to be her b/f.  The drive that will always be full of memories.
I had thought I was gojng to stop for a drink, hut instead I drove through without stopping, I wasn't ready to sink back into my depression yet
  I continued on to the next point that we had been to twice, I badly wanted to snap a picture and send it to her, showing her the lovely view and letting her know that I still loved her.  Alas, k cannot do that...6 months...
I continued on my path, at this point I really did jot know where I would end up.  I just knew I did not want to go home.  I went towards a highway someone had mentioned and proceeded to get lost.  I think I thought that I could take my mind off of her by focusing Im finding my way out, only to find more beautiful views that I desperately wanted to share with her.
I found my way back to the road and drove....drove as far as I could until I couldn't go any farther without taking a boat.
I took a walk on the a pier I had never been on, thinking of her.  I saw other couples hand in hand, some embraced in a kiss.  I was envious.
it was time to go, the sun was setting soon and
i wanted to enjoy the setting sun on my way home.  I thought about her and how her one request for yesterday was to go see the sunset and instead we stayed at home, cried, made love, and cried some more.  I do hope to make it up to her and watch the sunset with her once again.
I slowly made my way home.  I was in no hurry.  There is nothing for me there.

I talked with my mom at great length tonight.  I so badly wanted to tell her about j and how my heart was truly broken by not being able to even talk with her and had nothing to do with my divorce.

she would have listened, but i'm not sure she would understand.

http://g.co/maps/sdyuc

today(well technically yesterday), I feel my heart has truly broken.

the woman I love, the most wonderful human being in the world, has been ripped from my hands.
my heart feels empty.  I feel so sad, so depressed.  But because love her so much, it had to be done.

have you ever cried right after having an orgasm?  I mean like truly cried because it may be the last time you ever see that person again?
I did today.  One last time of enjoying each others bodies, one last embrace, one last kiss, one last look, staring deeply into each others eyes.

the decision made today was the hardest I have ever had to make.  I thought I felt bad when I made the decision to divorce my wife.  But that holds nothing to how utterly distraught I am at this moment.

3 months ago I was the happiest man in the world.  I had a wife, a beautiful girlfriend(yes, they knew about each other) and life seemed like it couldn't get any better.  Today, I am divorcing my wife, my girlfriend and I had to break up to give her marriage a fighting chance, and life fucking sucks.
sure, I know in the end I will be a better person for all of this, I know that I will somehow sometime find happiness(oh the pursuit of happiness).  But right now all that I can think about is how my heart feels like it has been ripped from my chest.

I have had to walk away from her once before, a second time just seems to much to bare.
all is not lost.  We will communicate again in 6 months, giving them enough time to at least get on the right track.
I can't help wonder how things will be different.  I can't expect it to ever be like it was the last 3 months.  Realistically, if they are doing better, I may well have to stay out of the picture longer if not indefinitely.  If worse... Well, I just don't know.

my goal is to write in this log every day for the next 6 months until that time.
I thought about her every day last time, this time will be no different.  Now I'll just write about it.

this will also serve as an outlet to talk about the divorce I will soon be going though and what the future seems to have jn store for me.